Healing day 6

I am doing better. Each day is a lesson. I enjoyed doing the fortune telling at Gardener Village. I dressed up as a white witch, this helped me with the stereo typing others do about witches. I don't view myself as one, how ever according to some world definitions I would be considered one. With so many different "New Age" things out there I maybe considered a "New Ager". Although after an email that my friend Jaymi sent me I don't feel this is me either. I am not looking for a label more of a clarification so that those around me may feel more comfortable.

I meet a lady last week that for me fit every description I am working on getting away from. She is very interested in working with me. This made me look at what I am focusing on. If you are familiar with the laws of attraction you will know that "What you focus on expands." With this new awareness as of today I am going to focus on something else, so I will bring in things that validate where I am going not where I have already been.

I Surrender & Trust

Healing day 2

I left you yesterday with being scared. Around the age of 10 I had a few experiences that had me questioning a few more things. Such as being in the grocery store and saying to my mom "I wonder if George & Grace (neighbors) are home yet from their trip" and turn the corner and have them standing there. My mom would give me a strange look. I ignored these experiences more and more as you can explain these off as "coincidences". The first life altering experience that I recall is one with my dad. He become more and more aloof and worked a lot. Which wasn't uncommon for him as that was how his job worked. I could feel something was different though and at age 11 you don't have many experiences to pull from to put your finger on it. All I knew was he was different. I use to love being by my dad, now I couldn't handle being in the same room with him. I didn't want him to leave either, because if he left I felt like something horrible was going to happen. This experience happened while he was packing for a business trip. He and my mom were chatting back and forth from the kitchen to their bedroom. He was standing in the kitchen getting a drink of water, when my mom asked him a question. He looked at me with the glass of water raised to his mouth and answered. Chills went through me and a voice screamed, "He is lying". I felt sick. I couldn't move, I wanted to run for various reasons, first where did that voice come from and two does he know that I know? Than I became angry, he was lying and how come I get into trouble if I lie? The only way I could calm myself down was, I had no proof. Other than the voice and the chills. Who would believe me and I sure wasn't going to ask him about it. Honestly, would you?

Facing my emotional muck

Yes, my avoidance continues. However, today I begin the healing process. Last week I felt like I was sitting in "SHIT". I am sure you are familiar with how this may feel. If not, I am happy for you. I called my friend Kimberly, she wasn't available. Suprise, I know this meant sit in it some more. Yea Me. She called me the next day and we discussed it. She informed me that it would be beneficial for me to change my wording from "Emotional Shit" to something else. She suggested "Steeping in the learning". I was feeling that "Emotional Shit" is exactly what I was in so lets keep calling it that, but I agreed to change it.

So, as I sat in "Steeping in learning" I begin thinking about tea. I like tea, however I don't like tea that has steeped to long as it has a very strong flavor. It is then it hit me about "Steeping in learning" I have to "steep" in order to become stronger. I must say that with all this strength training I am begining to feel I could give Shera a run. Ok back to my point.

What have I been avoiding to share with you is the experience that lead up to all this "steeping" I will not go into it now as it is no longer the focus. The focus is me sharing with you my awaking and how difficult it is for me to share who I am with others.

So, here is the beginning of the healing. When I was younger, I was told I had a very active imagination and also "think" before I spoke. Once again I am sure you can all relate. I believe the difference between you and I is that I am still told these things. I diegrease. I am unsure how I came to realize that I was different, maybe it started with my brothers always asking me to rub their back, or maybe it was the fact that babies & children always wanted to by me. Or the fact that the summer of my 9th year, my grandfather informed me I was different and to embrass it. At 9 you don't want to be told that. You want to be like everyone else. As I got older I begin to notice more and feel more. Not listening to my grandfather's advice I thought everyone noticed the glow that comes from plants, that everyone had night visitors, that every food storage room is a dark and scary place,that some people are mean without even saying anything, and there are places one is better off not going into as the presence that lurks with in it is not nice. As a young girl I was surprised every time that when I mentioned any of this I was told "You have an over active imagination, or don't say that you will scare your sister." (Good lord lets not do that,the fact that I am scared hence me saying something, but alright lets not scare her. Steeping in the learning, deep breath) I'm back. Okay maybe not. That's enough healing for the day.

I surrender & trust