Dark Side of Appreciation

I learned about this on Sunday. I have been working on the Steps to Gratitude for a class I taught on Saturday. If you understand the process of learning you open yourself up to information coming in from many resources. I had been working on the lesson for this class for two months. Even, after the class I was open to learning more and I was informed about the dark side of Appreciation. I was surprised to learn this as I hadn't ever thought of this as even being apart of Appreciation. It is what happens to distract us from achieving Grace. What is the dark side? Infatuation. When you appreciate something so much that you have to have it which than turns to must have; which may than turn into need. You are in infatuation now instead of appreciation. Once it becomes a need you now have an addiction. Here is an example: I appreciate a cup of coffee so much I would like to have more. I receive another cup of coffee and I am not satisfied so I will get another one. I have it but feel as if I need another. Hope this makes sense.

Senses

With the cold season coming up many of us are dreading the possibilities of getting one. May I suggest taking a moment to enjoy the fact. I know this sounds strange especially when you don't feel well. Have you ever heard of when one of your senses is compromised the others will intensify? Example: If you are blind your hearing becomes better? Have you ever had a hang-over? When you woke up were your senses overly sensitive? This is kind of what happens with a cold, if you have a head cold your body aches do to compensation. It has to feel everything so you can process your world, since your brain can not do it. I challenge you to test my theory. The next time your nose is clogged see if your eyesight seems a little sensitive. I am currently testing this theory as my eyes have been bothering me, so my ears seem to have increased in their ability and I cringe at sounds, I've been turning everything down. I also notice I am extra jumpy as my "feelers" sense things quickly. It can be unnerving.

I surrender & trust

Time out

Shhhhhhhhhh@#. Today started out as an amazing day, I got my children off to school without a fight. One of them even showered without me threatening some bodily harm if it didn't happen. My husband was home, he got to sleep in. I sent off many correspondences. Studied than took my Progress Test 1 for my new class. Which is amazing. Around 10:30 things went to shhhhhhhhh@#. What happened in this time frame is a mystery. Mt husband remembered a meeting that he had to go to, so he left. I receive a notice that my client had canceled for this evening. I decided that sense my husband went off to work I would go to a business lunch. It took me three attempts to get out the door before I was able to actually leave. Upon leaving I found more Idaho visitors than I have in I am not sure. New to the area, they weren't sure where they were going and couldn't decide if they were turning, staying in the lane or stopping randomly. When the first Idaho car stopped randomly I saw a Hawk free gliding over the road. Sweet. I continued on the way, the third Idaho visitor drove really really slow as there were two dogs not deciding if they were going to cross the road or walk down the middle of it. At this point it is 11:36 the luncheon started at 11:30. The Fourth Idaho visitor decided to turn left from the lane he was in despite the fact that there was a center lane who could turn from. I arrived at the lunch only to discover that they were not meeting there. After much swearng on my part I headed home. Than I remembered that I had library books to return (one of those trips back into the house). I stopped at the new library to drop them off and about ran over another Idaho visitor stopped in the parking lot aisle. Which in the longer made me grateful as it made me turn into the lane where the drop off was. When I pushed the books in, the door slammed on my fingers and cut them. I decided at this point it was best if I went home. I followed the fifth Idaho visitor all the way to my street. GRRRRRR. I took this as I am in time out.

I surrender & trust.

Healing more

Last week I was asked to speak for a women's group. It was a luncheon named "Witchy Luncheon" it is an annual event. They asked me to speak on "How to better themselves". Because I am me, I thought it would be more appropriate to talk about how to be a "Good" witch and give examples to know the difference between a "Good" witch and a "Bad" one. I was rather excited to talk about it and thought what an awesome learning experience for us all. My talk took less than 10 minutes. It was suppose to be 20 minutes. When it was all over with the room was utterly silent and they all seemed to waiting for more. I ended up telling them "that's it folks". My ego took over saying you did a horrible job as no one is coming up and telling you that they enjoyed it. I took a deep breathe and walked out to my car, worked really hard at not crying, and than I was told by that higher part of me that "You made them uncomfortable, they do not know what to say or do. Do not be little yourself as this is what you wanted to happen." This comment caused other parts of myself to make retorts such as "why in the hell would she want to cause them discomfort", "She didn't make them uncomfortable, that are not ready to hear what she has to say." I took another deep breathe and went back into face the people as the inner dialogue continued. As I spoke with individuals on the luncheon committee I made excuses for the reason it was so short and justified the topic. Needless to say I walked away feeling a complete failure. A part of me still does, as this is the reason I am writing about it. I wanted to release it to the universe and say, I did my part "good" or "bad" I did it. I am healing from this too. It was a learning experience.

I surrender and trust.

Healing day 6

I am doing better. Each day is a lesson. I enjoyed doing the fortune telling at Gardener Village. I dressed up as a white witch, this helped me with the stereo typing others do about witches. I don't view myself as one, how ever according to some world definitions I would be considered one. With so many different "New Age" things out there I maybe considered a "New Ager". Although after an email that my friend Jaymi sent me I don't feel this is me either. I am not looking for a label more of a clarification so that those around me may feel more comfortable.

I meet a lady last week that for me fit every description I am working on getting away from. She is very interested in working with me. This made me look at what I am focusing on. If you are familiar with the laws of attraction you will know that "What you focus on expands." With this new awareness as of today I am going to focus on something else, so I will bring in things that validate where I am going not where I have already been.

I Surrender & Trust

Healing day 2

I left you yesterday with being scared. Around the age of 10 I had a few experiences that had me questioning a few more things. Such as being in the grocery store and saying to my mom "I wonder if George & Grace (neighbors) are home yet from their trip" and turn the corner and have them standing there. My mom would give me a strange look. I ignored these experiences more and more as you can explain these off as "coincidences". The first life altering experience that I recall is one with my dad. He become more and more aloof and worked a lot. Which wasn't uncommon for him as that was how his job worked. I could feel something was different though and at age 11 you don't have many experiences to pull from to put your finger on it. All I knew was he was different. I use to love being by my dad, now I couldn't handle being in the same room with him. I didn't want him to leave either, because if he left I felt like something horrible was going to happen. This experience happened while he was packing for a business trip. He and my mom were chatting back and forth from the kitchen to their bedroom. He was standing in the kitchen getting a drink of water, when my mom asked him a question. He looked at me with the glass of water raised to his mouth and answered. Chills went through me and a voice screamed, "He is lying". I felt sick. I couldn't move, I wanted to run for various reasons, first where did that voice come from and two does he know that I know? Than I became angry, he was lying and how come I get into trouble if I lie? The only way I could calm myself down was, I had no proof. Other than the voice and the chills. Who would believe me and I sure wasn't going to ask him about it. Honestly, would you?

Facing my emotional muck

Yes, my avoidance continues. However, today I begin the healing process. Last week I felt like I was sitting in "SHIT". I am sure you are familiar with how this may feel. If not, I am happy for you. I called my friend Kimberly, she wasn't available. Suprise, I know this meant sit in it some more. Yea Me. She called me the next day and we discussed it. She informed me that it would be beneficial for me to change my wording from "Emotional Shit" to something else. She suggested "Steeping in the learning". I was feeling that "Emotional Shit" is exactly what I was in so lets keep calling it that, but I agreed to change it.

So, as I sat in "Steeping in learning" I begin thinking about tea. I like tea, however I don't like tea that has steeped to long as it has a very strong flavor. It is then it hit me about "Steeping in learning" I have to "steep" in order to become stronger. I must say that with all this strength training I am begining to feel I could give Shera a run. Ok back to my point.

What have I been avoiding to share with you is the experience that lead up to all this "steeping" I will not go into it now as it is no longer the focus. The focus is me sharing with you my awaking and how difficult it is for me to share who I am with others.

So, here is the beginning of the healing. When I was younger, I was told I had a very active imagination and also "think" before I spoke. Once again I am sure you can all relate. I believe the difference between you and I is that I am still told these things. I diegrease. I am unsure how I came to realize that I was different, maybe it started with my brothers always asking me to rub their back, or maybe it was the fact that babies & children always wanted to by me. Or the fact that the summer of my 9th year, my grandfather informed me I was different and to embrass it. At 9 you don't want to be told that. You want to be like everyone else. As I got older I begin to notice more and feel more. Not listening to my grandfather's advice I thought everyone noticed the glow that comes from plants, that everyone had night visitors, that every food storage room is a dark and scary place,that some people are mean without even saying anything, and there are places one is better off not going into as the presence that lurks with in it is not nice. As a young girl I was surprised every time that when I mentioned any of this I was told "You have an over active imagination, or don't say that you will scare your sister." (Good lord lets not do that,the fact that I am scared hence me saying something, but alright lets not scare her. Steeping in the learning, deep breath) I'm back. Okay maybe not. That's enough healing for the day.

I surrender & trust