Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Healing day 2
I left you yesterday with being scared. Around the age of 10 I had a few experiences that had me questioning a few more things. Such as being in the grocery store and saying to my mom "I wonder if George & Grace (neighbors) are home yet from their trip" and turn the corner and have them standing there. My mom would give me a strange look. I ignored these experiences more and more as you can explain these off as "coincidences". The first life altering experience that I recall is one with my dad. He become more and more aloof and worked a lot. Which wasn't uncommon for him as that was how his job worked. I could feel something was different though and at age 11 you don't have many experiences to pull from to put your finger on it. All I knew was he was different. I use to love being by my dad, now I couldn't handle being in the same room with him. I didn't want him to leave either, because if he left I felt like something horrible was going to happen. This experience happened while he was packing for a business trip. He and my mom were chatting back and forth from the kitchen to their bedroom. He was standing in the kitchen getting a drink of water, when my mom asked him a question. He looked at me with the glass of water raised to his mouth and answered. Chills went through me and a voice screamed, "He is lying". I felt sick. I couldn't move, I wanted to run for various reasons, first where did that voice come from and two does he know that I know? Than I became angry, he was lying and how come I get into trouble if I lie? The only way I could calm myself down was, I had no proof. Other than the voice and the chills. Who would believe me and I sure wasn't going to ask him about it. Honestly, would you?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Facing my emotional muck
Yes, my avoidance continues. However, today I begin the healing process. Last week I felt like I was sitting in "SHIT". I am sure you are familiar with how this may feel. If not, I am happy for you. I called my friend Kimberly, she wasn't available. Suprise, I know this meant sit in it some more. Yea Me. She called me the next day and we discussed it. She informed me that it would be beneficial for me to change my wording from "Emotional Shit" to something else. She suggested "Steeping in the learning". I was feeling that "Emotional Shit" is exactly what I was in so lets keep calling it that, but I agreed to change it.
So, as I sat in "Steeping in learning" I begin thinking about tea. I like tea, however I don't like tea that has steeped to long as it has a very strong flavor. It is then it hit me about "Steeping in learning" I have to "steep" in order to become stronger. I must say that with all this strength training I am begining to feel I could give Shera a run. Ok back to my point.
What have I been avoiding to share with you is the experience that lead up to all this "steeping" I will not go into it now as it is no longer the focus. The focus is me sharing with you my awaking and how difficult it is for me to share who I am with others.
So, here is the beginning of the healing. When I was younger, I was told I had a very active imagination and also "think" before I spoke. Once again I am sure you can all relate. I believe the difference between you and I is that I am still told these things. I diegrease. I am unsure how I came to realize that I was different, maybe it started with my brothers always asking me to rub their back, or maybe it was the fact that babies & children always wanted to by me. Or the fact that the summer of my 9th year, my grandfather informed me I was different and to embrass it. At 9 you don't want to be told that. You want to be like everyone else. As I got older I begin to notice more and feel more. Not listening to my grandfather's advice I thought everyone noticed the glow that comes from plants, that everyone had night visitors, that every food storage room is a dark and scary place,that some people are mean without even saying anything, and there are places one is better off not going into as the presence that lurks with in it is not nice. As a young girl I was surprised every time that when I mentioned any of this I was told "You have an over active imagination, or don't say that you will scare your sister." (Good lord lets not do that,the fact that I am scared hence me saying something, but alright lets not scare her. Steeping in the learning, deep breath) I'm back. Okay maybe not. That's enough healing for the day.
I surrender & trust
So, as I sat in "Steeping in learning" I begin thinking about tea. I like tea, however I don't like tea that has steeped to long as it has a very strong flavor. It is then it hit me about "Steeping in learning" I have to "steep" in order to become stronger. I must say that with all this strength training I am begining to feel I could give Shera a run. Ok back to my point.
What have I been avoiding to share with you is the experience that lead up to all this "steeping" I will not go into it now as it is no longer the focus. The focus is me sharing with you my awaking and how difficult it is for me to share who I am with others.
So, here is the beginning of the healing. When I was younger, I was told I had a very active imagination and also "think" before I spoke. Once again I am sure you can all relate. I believe the difference between you and I is that I am still told these things. I diegrease. I am unsure how I came to realize that I was different, maybe it started with my brothers always asking me to rub their back, or maybe it was the fact that babies & children always wanted to by me. Or the fact that the summer of my 9th year, my grandfather informed me I was different and to embrass it. At 9 you don't want to be told that. You want to be like everyone else. As I got older I begin to notice more and feel more. Not listening to my grandfather's advice I thought everyone noticed the glow that comes from plants, that everyone had night visitors, that every food storage room is a dark and scary place,that some people are mean without even saying anything, and there are places one is better off not going into as the presence that lurks with in it is not nice. As a young girl I was surprised every time that when I mentioned any of this I was told "You have an over active imagination, or don't say that you will scare your sister." (Good lord lets not do that,the fact that I am scared hence me saying something, but alright lets not scare her. Steeping in the learning, deep breath) I'm back. Okay maybe not. That's enough healing for the day.
I surrender & trust
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Avoid Part 3
It is now 5:00 pm and I feel exhausted. I am meeting up with my friend so we can go to a "Pamper Party". I was excited to go, now I am beginning to dread it. Rooms full of people and people touching me. Yeah not a good thing with my track record so far.
More deep breaths and grounding, then add my new mantra "I can do this, I can do this", "You know these people and how they affect you, so you will be okay." "What about the new people and the ladies doing the pedicure's, waxing, massages etc?" "You find your safe spot and be fantastic. Plus, Michelle is with you as back-up".
I meet Michelle at Target and we headed to my other friends home. It surprised me that I kept turning down the wrong street. This proved to me I was not functioning properly. We finally arrived, I introduced Michelle to my friends and found my safe spot. Still feeling dizzy and light headed I leaned up against the counter in my friends basement, next to a waterfacet.
And the blocks begin, I can not formulate the correct wording.
Will attempt again tomorrow.
I surrender & trust
More deep breaths and grounding, then add my new mantra "I can do this, I can do this", "You know these people and how they affect you, so you will be okay." "What about the new people and the ladies doing the pedicure's, waxing, massages etc?" "You find your safe spot and be fantastic. Plus, Michelle is with you as back-up".
I meet Michelle at Target and we headed to my other friends home. It surprised me that I kept turning down the wrong street. This proved to me I was not functioning properly. We finally arrived, I introduced Michelle to my friends and found my safe spot. Still feeling dizzy and light headed I leaned up against the counter in my friends basement, next to a waterfacet.
And the blocks begin, I can not formulate the correct wording.
Will attempt again tomorrow.
I surrender & trust
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Avoiding Part 2
Second step into battle.
After my client left, a friend and I meet to go to my niece's baby shower. I was still feeling the effects of an attack, the residual fear and anxiety from the two individuals that had shown up in my office. I couldn't think straight or feel anything but those emotions unil friend and her fear of meeting my in-laws showed up. I had to make a conscience effort to stay focused on where I was going even though I hadn't a clue where this house was. I am grateful that we arrived safely and the only damage that occurred was me taking the rivets off of the bottom of my car when I pulled into a drive-way that was rather high. Before I left the car I took several cleansing breaths to ground me and clear my thoughts.
It was a two-story brick and siding home with beautiful front and back yard. Balloons hung everywhere announcing where the shower was to be. Hurray, it was to be held outside, I could sit with my shoes off and not have to worry about being in a room full of hormones. (That's all I need to add to the emotional party I already have going on.)Only, downside I could see was I would be required to go in to get food. I greeted everyone, introduced them to my friend and choose a place to stand away from most of the people, but close enough to hold a conversation. (This is a self defence mechanism I developed being married to someone who is a tad paranoid. You can see who is coming and going if you are facing the entrance and your back is protected with a wall, friend or other solid object.) I have found this technique to be very beneficial. I can sense people as they come in and know who to help, protect myself from and whom to avoid any physical contact with. Note: I do not do this to be anti-social, a snob, or uncaring. I do this purely out of self defense and protection. ( I shall explain more of this at another time)
All was going well, I visited with family and my friend. Than it hit me, a wave of dizziness. I took a couple of deep breaths and told my friend I was getting some food. I stumbled into the house hoping that if I got food it alleviate the dizziness. First I had to get through the mountain of people in the house. I talked myself out of a panic attack by clarifying "That there were not a mountain of people in there only 4. With the possibility of more coming in. If I was quick I would be okay." Made it in and trapped myself in the kitchen. Everyone else was on the outside of the counter and only one person in the kitchen, safe place? wrong, now I can not get out. "Focus on the food and lite conversation. Focus on the food & lite conversation" became my mantra. With what seemed to be an hour I finally made it back outside to a sunny/shady spot. The dizziness was getting worse. I sat down and begin to eat. The dizziness let up a little as I ate, but never fully went away, which let me know that I was under attack again. "Seriously, why can I not be left alone?" was my first thought. I won't type the second and third thoughts as I am attempting to keep this "PG". Any how, I realize I am getting into an unsafe zone, but how do you politely tell your friend and relatives that you have to leave NOW or may I borrow your garden hose for a moment or two, I only want to walk in it; Without coming across as being rude and abrasive or even worse weird. Either way I would end up having to explain my actions, and I don't believe that any of them want to hear my reasons. I said my goodbye's saying we had to be to another party. My friend and I left. Before we got into our separate cars we discussed where we would meet to ride together to the next party. When she headed to her car I noticed the neighbors had their sprinklers on.I about did a jigg right there. I headed right over to them and found the nearest puddle to walk through. All the while praying that my friend didn't see what I was doing. After doing this I felt better. I jumped into my car asking for more protection and guidance as we headed to the next party.
I shall share that tomorrow.
FYI: Types of attacks that I experience & how they effect me.
Leeches: I call them this, because this is what they remind me of because they latch on to me and hold on for dear life. That is what they take from me, they suck my life force from me. You call this energy. When this happens I become extremely tired, my thought process is out of wack (like it needs any assistance) and I have a screaming headache.
Vampires: These are individuals that have become disconnected from their own soul that they will feed off of anyone. Thing with these though they can be a human, animal or spirit. I have similar effects with these guys as I do with leeches. However with leeches it feels like I am being sucked on like you would a straw. With Vampires it is an automatic drain. It can take less then a minute. Because of how quick it happens. First sign is dizziness, than weak.
Emotional: I carry a happy disposition. Which is like a beacon of light for lost, angry, unhappy, distraught, frightened, anxious, upset, nervous, depressed & wondering souls/individuals. (I am sure there are more that I attract however I didn't want the list to go on forever.) Best way to explain it is that extra perky person you meet, that gets on your nerves so much you want to punch them? Yea it's like that except, it is with your emotions not your thoughts. If you are having a bad day and I run into you, you will pretend that you are doing okay and all, however the emotions that are jumping and slamming into me tell me a whole different story. I therefore, take on your unwanted emotions so that you can function. Yes I can choose whether or not to take it on, however,this is were the attack part comes in some of you are sneaky and will attach it to me like a leech and bam I've got it now. Now imagine everyone in the room doing the same thing. This is the reason I avoid large groups.
After my client left, a friend and I meet to go to my niece's baby shower. I was still feeling the effects of an attack, the residual fear and anxiety from the two individuals that had shown up in my office. I couldn't think straight or feel anything but those emotions unil friend and her fear of meeting my in-laws showed up. I had to make a conscience effort to stay focused on where I was going even though I hadn't a clue where this house was. I am grateful that we arrived safely and the only damage that occurred was me taking the rivets off of the bottom of my car when I pulled into a drive-way that was rather high. Before I left the car I took several cleansing breaths to ground me and clear my thoughts.
It was a two-story brick and siding home with beautiful front and back yard. Balloons hung everywhere announcing where the shower was to be. Hurray, it was to be held outside, I could sit with my shoes off and not have to worry about being in a room full of hormones. (That's all I need to add to the emotional party I already have going on.)Only, downside I could see was I would be required to go in to get food. I greeted everyone, introduced them to my friend and choose a place to stand away from most of the people, but close enough to hold a conversation. (This is a self defence mechanism I developed being married to someone who is a tad paranoid. You can see who is coming and going if you are facing the entrance and your back is protected with a wall, friend or other solid object.) I have found this technique to be very beneficial. I can sense people as they come in and know who to help, protect myself from and whom to avoid any physical contact with. Note: I do not do this to be anti-social, a snob, or uncaring. I do this purely out of self defense and protection. ( I shall explain more of this at another time)
All was going well, I visited with family and my friend. Than it hit me, a wave of dizziness. I took a couple of deep breaths and told my friend I was getting some food. I stumbled into the house hoping that if I got food it alleviate the dizziness. First I had to get through the mountain of people in the house. I talked myself out of a panic attack by clarifying "That there were not a mountain of people in there only 4. With the possibility of more coming in. If I was quick I would be okay." Made it in and trapped myself in the kitchen. Everyone else was on the outside of the counter and only one person in the kitchen, safe place? wrong, now I can not get out. "Focus on the food and lite conversation. Focus on the food & lite conversation" became my mantra. With what seemed to be an hour I finally made it back outside to a sunny/shady spot. The dizziness was getting worse. I sat down and begin to eat. The dizziness let up a little as I ate, but never fully went away, which let me know that I was under attack again. "Seriously, why can I not be left alone?" was my first thought. I won't type the second and third thoughts as I am attempting to keep this "PG". Any how, I realize I am getting into an unsafe zone, but how do you politely tell your friend and relatives that you have to leave NOW or may I borrow your garden hose for a moment or two, I only want to walk in it; Without coming across as being rude and abrasive or even worse weird. Either way I would end up having to explain my actions, and I don't believe that any of them want to hear my reasons. I said my goodbye's saying we had to be to another party. My friend and I left. Before we got into our separate cars we discussed where we would meet to ride together to the next party. When she headed to her car I noticed the neighbors had their sprinklers on.I about did a jigg right there. I headed right over to them and found the nearest puddle to walk through. All the while praying that my friend didn't see what I was doing. After doing this I felt better. I jumped into my car asking for more protection and guidance as we headed to the next party.
I shall share that tomorrow.
FYI: Types of attacks that I experience & how they effect me.
Leeches: I call them this, because this is what they remind me of because they latch on to me and hold on for dear life. That is what they take from me, they suck my life force from me. You call this energy. When this happens I become extremely tired, my thought process is out of wack (like it needs any assistance) and I have a screaming headache.
Vampires: These are individuals that have become disconnected from their own soul that they will feed off of anyone. Thing with these though they can be a human, animal or spirit. I have similar effects with these guys as I do with leeches. However with leeches it feels like I am being sucked on like you would a straw. With Vampires it is an automatic drain. It can take less then a minute. Because of how quick it happens. First sign is dizziness, than weak.
Emotional: I carry a happy disposition. Which is like a beacon of light for lost, angry, unhappy, distraught, frightened, anxious, upset, nervous, depressed & wondering souls/individuals. (I am sure there are more that I attract however I didn't want the list to go on forever.) Best way to explain it is that extra perky person you meet, that gets on your nerves so much you want to punch them? Yea it's like that except, it is with your emotions not your thoughts. If you are having a bad day and I run into you, you will pretend that you are doing okay and all, however the emotions that are jumping and slamming into me tell me a whole different story. I therefore, take on your unwanted emotions so that you can function. Yes I can choose whether or not to take it on, however,this is were the attack part comes in some of you are sneaky and will attach it to me like a leech and bam I've got it now. Now imagine everyone in the room doing the same thing. This is the reason I avoid large groups.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Avoiding
Yes I know I haven't written in a while. I have been in a deep argument with my guides. Since I am writing now means they have won. As there was any doubt they wouldn't. To help you better understand the reasons for this disagreement, I will tell you about what started it.
First I am human, second I am surrounded by other humans. With that said I shall begin.
August started off as usual, birthday's, anniversaries and kids getting ready for school,bbq's, family gatherings, and hanging out with friends. In addition to everyday life things such as house cleaning, running a business, school work, being a mother and a wife. It is also not uncommon for me to be attacked two-three times a month by forces unseen. I have a ritual that helps me feel safe and thus easier to remove residual effects of the attack. This is information that I do not share litely, (part of the disagreement).
Dates are a blurr for me so I will only describe the events. I was recovering from the second attack of the month; it was a very busy Saturday; 1:00 angel reading, 2:30Baby shower, 5:00 Spa night with friends. Who knew that the angel reading would be the catalyst for all this.
During the angel reading in my office I was given information about myself, and the battle begin. This information was to tell her and others about how I handle attacks, large groups, fears and insecurities regarding my gifts. I had a panic attack, I believe she didn't notice as she was busy having one also as we had uncovered a truth that she had been avoiding, (see the irony in this). To help her handle the truth, I shared with her how I understood her fears even though I may not have her same fears we all have them. At that moment I heard movement upstairs. I asked if she had heard it and she said she had. I then explained to her about "Harry" the little boy under the stairs (yes, he is a spirit and no that isn't his real name), and how it is not uncommon for "visitors" to stop by during a reading. We continued on. A few minutes later I heard more footsteps, this time I felt it was an actual person, I asked her to excuse me I was going to check to see who was here, I headed up the stairs (she was right behind me as she didn't want to be left, plus she had watched scary movies and knew what happened when you went to look) I turned the corner to see a man and a woman in the door way, they were completely surprised to see me standing there. It was as if I had appeared out of nowhere. I asked if I could help them and they said "no, we heard you had moved your office and wanted to stop by and see it", they asked for Daniel (one of my business partners) I told them he wasn't in and would be back on Monday. Long story short they left, however the fear and anxiety they had remained. I quickly removed some of it so I could continue with my client. Unfortunately, I absorb that kind of stuff and the only way for me to remove it is one of two ways, be outside or take a shower. Neither one was an option.
We headed back down to my office (after locking the door) and discussed the strangeness and how we handled it. Facing a fear and it begins. We finished up so I could get to the baby shower.
I will save that for tomorrow.
I surrender & trust.
First I am human, second I am surrounded by other humans. With that said I shall begin.
August started off as usual, birthday's, anniversaries and kids getting ready for school,bbq's, family gatherings, and hanging out with friends. In addition to everyday life things such as house cleaning, running a business, school work, being a mother and a wife. It is also not uncommon for me to be attacked two-three times a month by forces unseen. I have a ritual that helps me feel safe and thus easier to remove residual effects of the attack. This is information that I do not share litely, (part of the disagreement).
Dates are a blurr for me so I will only describe the events. I was recovering from the second attack of the month; it was a very busy Saturday; 1:00 angel reading, 2:30Baby shower, 5:00 Spa night with friends. Who knew that the angel reading would be the catalyst for all this.
During the angel reading in my office I was given information about myself, and the battle begin. This information was to tell her and others about how I handle attacks, large groups, fears and insecurities regarding my gifts. I had a panic attack, I believe she didn't notice as she was busy having one also as we had uncovered a truth that she had been avoiding, (see the irony in this). To help her handle the truth, I shared with her how I understood her fears even though I may not have her same fears we all have them. At that moment I heard movement upstairs. I asked if she had heard it and she said she had. I then explained to her about "Harry" the little boy under the stairs (yes, he is a spirit and no that isn't his real name), and how it is not uncommon for "visitors" to stop by during a reading. We continued on. A few minutes later I heard more footsteps, this time I felt it was an actual person, I asked her to excuse me I was going to check to see who was here, I headed up the stairs (she was right behind me as she didn't want to be left, plus she had watched scary movies and knew what happened when you went to look) I turned the corner to see a man and a woman in the door way, they were completely surprised to see me standing there. It was as if I had appeared out of nowhere. I asked if I could help them and they said "no, we heard you had moved your office and wanted to stop by and see it", they asked for Daniel (one of my business partners) I told them he wasn't in and would be back on Monday. Long story short they left, however the fear and anxiety they had remained. I quickly removed some of it so I could continue with my client. Unfortunately, I absorb that kind of stuff and the only way for me to remove it is one of two ways, be outside or take a shower. Neither one was an option.
We headed back down to my office (after locking the door) and discussed the strangeness and how we handled it. Facing a fear and it begins. We finished up so I could get to the baby shower.
I will save that for tomorrow.
I surrender & trust.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Time for wellness
It has been a week since I scratched my eye. I have been amazed at the process and how quickly things can alter. It didn't hurt, it was red. I kept blowing it off as I have allergies. The redness was a deep blood red though and by Friday others were getting worried about it. I on the other hand felt it was fine, it wasn't hurting and for the most part wasn't bothering me. It had started weeping, but isn't that a good thing?The weeping was clear, however by Saturday evening the redness had moved from the outer corner to the whole eye and was beginning to ache, along with weeping. Sunday morning it was glued shut and swollen. My husband said "that's it we are going to the Dr." We first went to Eye Masters but they weren't open. So, we headed over to the ER. I spent the morning there, they sent me to the Moran Eye center, and I spent my afternoon there. In short I have two corneal ulcers right. They are very small and with medication the hope is they will dissolve and not leave any scaring. If they do leave scaring it may effect my vision. I am going with they are healing great.
My point is this, it is the small things, that unless they are paid attention to, can cause the most damage. So take the time to acknowledge and care for the little things so you can be well.
I Surrender & Trust
Guidance for today is: Signs from Above, Generosity (unsure), You Found it (unsure)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Steps
This morning as I was going through my morning routine I discovered that someone else had been using my computer. I have been out of town for the past week and it came as a surprise to see that a solitaire game that I had started before leaving was almost complete. How do I know it wasn't I that hadn't gone that far on my game. I wouldn't have made the moves that had been made that's how. It was during the undo process that I had an epiphany that I would like to share. Bare with me as I share this analogy.
We are all given a deck of cards (life), there are four suites in this deck (life paths), we are all given the choice on how to play this deck, solitaire, poker, gin rummy, etc (free will). The game we have chosen then gives us rules to follow to help us win the game (commandments, ethics, morals, rights etc). Now we chose how to play (using free will we create a life vision). I will continue with solitaire here as it is the game I play all the time, which in itself is interesting as I am forging my own path and not playing with others or allowing others to dictate my next move as you do in poker or gin. Okay back to the analogy;
With the deck in hand you lay out your cards in the order in which matches the rules for the game in which you have chosen to play. From there you begin the process of moving cards or collecting cards to pull them all together so that they are in alignment again (Vision, dream). You continue this process until you have either won the game or have come to a stand off (block). If you have made all the correct moves (choices, unity & trust) everything lines up, things go smoothly. If you do not make the correct choices you end up with cards stacked up on top of each other and you can not get to them and in order to get to them you have to go through a series of other moves to undo what you did to get to what you want. What most of us forget about is the undo button (Forgiveness), you can go back and undo what has been done. As you are reviewing or undoing the steps that you took that got you all blocked in, you must recognize the steps that helped and those that didn't (Truth & Wisdom). You begin again once you have undone what blocked you. (some individuals like to call this being reborn, I like to call it re-alignment). This is pretty much how we go through life. We take steps to move forward,unite or pause, forgive or move forward, gain truth & wisdom, move forward, unite. There are some other steps and I am sure you are learning them.
Now to surmise what I started, I know it wasn't my game because I have the wisdom not to have made those moves (choices) to block me in so bad.
I Surrender & Trust
Guidance for today is: Healing, Activist, Sweetness
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